'Blessed are they that mourn...'

Hey, can I share something with you?

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I wake up and I cry (like I did minutes before I write this post). I'm man enough to admit that.

Sometimes, I lie in the bed as the tears stream down my face and other times, I sit on the edge of the bed and weep, almost uncontrollably. But, I fight to quickly get myself under control before I wake up my wife. I even get up periodically, go to the bathroom and look in the mirror, tell myself to get it together and just when I nearly do, I see his eyes...my father's eyes...and the tears start flowing again.

It's been nearly ten months since my dad passed (it's hard to say the "d" word when someone you love is no longer on this earth) and almost a year (Nov. 2) since my wife's dad passed.

We talk about our fathers sometimes, but I try my best not to cry around my wife or bring up her dad, out of fear of making her sad and bringing her to tears. And I do the same with my mom and baby sister, who my dad asked me to take care of if he didn't make it, for the same reason.

People tell you it's okay to mourn your loved one and that it will take time to find the new normal, but no one ever tells you how much or how little you should talk about that loved one. I worry so much about how others are doing that I usually do my mourning or remembering alone.

Everyone grieves differently, and I know that. That's why I try not to talk about my dad too often around my loved ones (and now, after reading this, they will know) because I don't want to bring anyone down. I know they are hurting just like I am and my dad doesn't want us to be sad or crying all the time.

If my dad were here, he would tell me to "cut that out" and to keep living my life. He would tell me he loves me, he's proud of me and that he wants me to continue being a good man. Sometimes, I wonder how I can do that without him, but then I remember what he, my mom and so many others have taught me throughout my 33 years on this earth.

Dad would tell me to "do right and right will follow you" and "stick with God." It's funny how so many things I thought were long forgotten have been brought back to my remembrance.

It's only by God's love and comfort and the love of my family that I've made it this far. And it's that love and support that caused me to share this post with all of you.

I know others are going through the same thing. Some of you have just lost a loved one, while others are still mourning over loved ones who passed some time ago. But, we are all mourning and I want to let you know you are not alone.

So, when you get up in the middle of the night or even during the daytime, and you begin to miss that loved one and want to talk about that loved one, remember that someone else does too. Don't mourn alone.

Matthew 5:4 says: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." The Message version says: “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

God cares about us so much that he will comfort us when we mourn. I know this for a fact. Yes, I still get sad and cry from time to time, but I'm no longer crying every day or sad all day long like I was after my dad passed. I didn't think that would ever happen.

Earlier this year, I thought I would never write again, but my earthly and heavenly dads didn't want me to sit on my gift. I'm happy to say that I've completed my second novel (which hopefully will be released at the end of the month) and I'm working on my third and fourth novels now. It hasn't been easy, but again, God, my family and friends have helped, comforted and loved me every step of the way.

I know my dad is proud and as much as I miss him, he wants me to live the life God gave me until it's time for us to be reunited in Heaven.

I'll end this post with this: don't let sadness take away the joyful memories. Grieve, but continue to live and keep moving forward. You honor your loved ones by using your God-given gifts and never giving up. And remember, not only are God and your loved ones cheering you on, I am too.

God bless and keep moving forward,

Tyrone Tony Reed Jr.

Three Weeks Later: Holding on to Hope After Dad's Passing

I always feared the death of loved ones when I was growing up. That fear came from nightmares that I would have, that seemed so real that they would torment me.

It wasn't until 1994 that I experienced the first death of a loved one that hurt and upset me and that was the death of my Uncle Jerry. Then my paternal grandparents died in 1999, within months of each other, followed by my maternal grandmother in 2000 (during my senior year in high school), my dad's adoptive mother (also my grandmother who lived next door) in 2001 (during my sophomore year in college) and my maternal grandfather in 2003 (during my junior year in college). 

Those were very hard years, especially since I wanted my grandparents to be around to see my children (which have not been born yet), their great-grandchildren, and for my children to get to know them. 

People always expect older people to go first and while you don't want it to happen, you know that one day, we all have to pass from this life to get to our eternal life.

But, that's something I didn't want to face and I became convinced that my loved ones would live to be older people well into their 80s or higher.

Then four of my uncles passed between 2005-2011. 

Three years later, my wife's father passed on Sunday, November 2, 2014. It was hard to believe he had passed and it was even harder to see my wife in pain and anguish and know that there was nothing I could do but pray and be there for her.

And while I wasn't prepared for any of those deaths (who is ever truly prepared), the news I got on Sunday, December 21, 2014, that my dad, Tyrone Reed Sr., had passed away, exactly seven weeks after my wife's dad had passed, devastated me, crushed me inside and threatened to eat away my hopes and dreams.

It broke my heart and even as I type this, I can feel the pain all over again as if I was hearing the news anew once again. It's still hard to accept that he is no longer here and that I can't pick up the phone to hear him say, "Hey, son!"

While I know my dad is no longer in pain, that he gave his life to Christ and that I'll see him again in Heaven one day, I still long for my dad. I still wish I could see him and sit with him. I wish I could hear him laugh and sit up and talk about the news with him. I wish I could hug him and tell him I love him one more time.

But, the things that really broke my heart, were the "what could have beens". I dreamed of my dad seeing me become a successful author, actor, screenwriter, philanthropist and businessman. I dreamed of him and my father-in-law sitting on the couch together watching westerns, while I cooked dinner inside a very nice home that I was able to purchase. I dreamed of them playing with their grandchildren and becoming old men.

But, sadly, that didn't happen and I began to get lost in the "what could have beens", to the point that I questioned how I was going to live the rest of my life.

It was rough for  a while, with me having some very low days, but through God, prayer, my wife, my mom and my sister and many others giving me encouraging words, I'm fighting to live and press on. 

I know my dad would want me to go on and continue making him proud. I believe God has shown him the man I will be and the things I will accomplish and I can't let either of them down. 

I know my dad was tired, having been in and out of the hospital for some time and having gone through a lot. I prayed for God to heal him and God did just that, better than I could ever imagine. Dad is free and healed, healthy and at peace. Even though he is no longer in this earthly realm, he will forever be in my heart, thoughts and memory.

He was and is the Jonathan Kent to my Clark Kent and I know that he is still rooting for me.

This blog is my first step to continuing my destiny of being a successful writer and also helping others. 

I will be periodically sharing memories of my dad and lessons he taught and how he helped me and still helps me to be a good man.

So, please feel free to subscribe to this blog below and share it with others. Also, feel free to share your stories in the comments below. You never know who you might encourage,

This posts isn't about sadness, but about hope, peace, joy, inspiration, the courage to keep moving forward and honor those we love.

As my dad always said, "If you do right, right will follow you."