A Very Different World

Some days, I feel like I'm on a parallel world. Like in the sci-fi  television show "Sliders", I feel like  I've landed on another world, one in which my dad has passed and try as I might, I can't get back to my world.

I  know that's not true, but many days, that's what it feels like.

I've dreamt about my dad several  times since he passed. The first two times I saw him in my dreams broke my heart because he looked to be suffering, the way he looked hours before he passed.

I would sit at the edge of the bed and cry when I  woke up from those dreams, praying to never have those kinds of dreams again.

And I haven't so far. The last couple of times I've dreamt about my dad, he was he normal, playful self. In the most recent dream, which I had earlier this week, my dad and I were in his old silver car, which I haven't seen since I started junior high school in 1994.

We were both smiling and laughing and getting ready to go on an adventure together. In that dream, it was like the past couple of months had never happened and were never going to happen.

I didn't want to wake up from that dream. Just seeing his face again and seeing him driving and walking around brought joy to my heart. To wake up from a dream like that and realize it wasn't real seemed cruel, at first, but then I smiled as I got up out of bed and reflected on the dream.

In those dreams, Dad was in peak condition, full of life and our future was full of hope and adventures that the two of us would have together.

Those dreams comfort me and thinking on them have helped me make it through most days. Not being able to talk to him every day is hard, very hard. But, knowing that I might see him in dreams and get to hang out with once again makes me happy.

It reminds me of a video tape  of about 100 cartoons that I had as a child. Mom or Dad had bought it for my sister and me when we were sick.  One of the cartoons was called "Somewhere in Dreamland" and I loved the song that played during a dream sequence a sister and brother had. The lyrics go:

"I'll see you somewhere in dreamland
Somewhere in dreamland tonight
Over a bridge made of moonbeams
We'll find our clouds are silver lined
Each little star in the cosmos
Shining our welcome so bright
Dreams will come true for me and you
Somewhere in dreamland tonight"

The cartoon, about two poor, hungry children during the Great Depression, dreaming about food they wanted and could not have, and waking up to find that their dreams have come true made me happy as a child and still does.

I wish that could work for me. I wish that one day when I had one of those great dreams about dad, when I awakened, he would really be back, healthy, happy and full of life.

It hasn't happened yet and if it doesn't happen until the day I go to Heaven, that's alright. I know he's already there, healthy, happy and celebrating, looking forward to being reunited with his family.

Some days, I ache from the sorrow I feel not being able to see or talk to him. But, each day I remember something about him or something we did together that makes me smile.

I know he doesn't want me to spend my life being sad and no chasing after my God-given dreams. So, I'm doing my best to move forward, to continue writing and to continue making him proud.

And if you have lost a loved one, I'm sure they would want you to move forward and be the person they always believed you could be come.

So become that person, not only for them, but also for yourself.

I'll end this post with the poem that was inside the registry from my dad's homegoing service:

The Path in the Forest

In your dreams, we’ll meet and take special walks.

As tall trees from the breeze gently sway

Morning sun will break through in shadowed streams

Wildflowers will line the way.

The path through the forest which we will be on

Will have no destination, no beginning nor end.

So each time you dream, you will hear a voice

Leading you back to the same place again.

If by chance you turn away from the voice’s call

Because the pain of loss has become to great

I’ll walk further down the path a bit on my own

And find a rock on which to sit and wait.

Until the time comes, where we will walk hand in hand

Once more...

-Russell Scott Steven Anderson