'Blessed are they that mourn...'

Hey, can I share something with you?

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I wake up and I cry (like I did minutes before I write this post). I'm man enough to admit that.

Sometimes, I lie in the bed as the tears stream down my face and other times, I sit on the edge of the bed and weep, almost uncontrollably. But, I fight to quickly get myself under control before I wake up my wife. I even get up periodically, go to the bathroom and look in the mirror, tell myself to get it together and just when I nearly do, I see his eyes...my father's eyes...and the tears start flowing again.

It's been nearly ten months since my dad passed (it's hard to say the "d" word when someone you love is no longer on this earth) and almost a year (Nov. 2) since my wife's dad passed.

We talk about our fathers sometimes, but I try my best not to cry around my wife or bring up her dad, out of fear of making her sad and bringing her to tears. And I do the same with my mom and baby sister, who my dad asked me to take care of if he didn't make it, for the same reason.

People tell you it's okay to mourn your loved one and that it will take time to find the new normal, but no one ever tells you how much or how little you should talk about that loved one. I worry so much about how others are doing that I usually do my mourning or remembering alone.

Everyone grieves differently, and I know that. That's why I try not to talk about my dad too often around my loved ones (and now, after reading this, they will know) because I don't want to bring anyone down. I know they are hurting just like I am and my dad doesn't want us to be sad or crying all the time.

If my dad were here, he would tell me to "cut that out" and to keep living my life. He would tell me he loves me, he's proud of me and that he wants me to continue being a good man. Sometimes, I wonder how I can do that without him, but then I remember what he, my mom and so many others have taught me throughout my 33 years on this earth.

Dad would tell me to "do right and right will follow you" and "stick with God." It's funny how so many things I thought were long forgotten have been brought back to my remembrance.

It's only by God's love and comfort and the love of my family that I've made it this far. And it's that love and support that caused me to share this post with all of you.

I know others are going through the same thing. Some of you have just lost a loved one, while others are still mourning over loved ones who passed some time ago. But, we are all mourning and I want to let you know you are not alone.

So, when you get up in the middle of the night or even during the daytime, and you begin to miss that loved one and want to talk about that loved one, remember that someone else does too. Don't mourn alone.

Matthew 5:4 says: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." The Message version says: “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

God cares about us so much that he will comfort us when we mourn. I know this for a fact. Yes, I still get sad and cry from time to time, but I'm no longer crying every day or sad all day long like I was after my dad passed. I didn't think that would ever happen.

Earlier this year, I thought I would never write again, but my earthly and heavenly dads didn't want me to sit on my gift. I'm happy to say that I've completed my second novel (which hopefully will be released at the end of the month) and I'm working on my third and fourth novels now. It hasn't been easy, but again, God, my family and friends have helped, comforted and loved me every step of the way.

I know my dad is proud and as much as I miss him, he wants me to live the life God gave me until it's time for us to be reunited in Heaven.

I'll end this post with this: don't let sadness take away the joyful memories. Grieve, but continue to live and keep moving forward. You honor your loved ones by using your God-given gifts and never giving up. And remember, not only are God and your loved ones cheering you on, I am too.

God bless and keep moving forward,

Tyrone Tony Reed Jr.

48 Days Later: Paging Dr. David Bruce Banner!

Sometimes, I want to "Hulk" out. 

I don't want to hurt anyone, but sometimes, the anger, frustration and sadness I feel over the passing of my dad, Tyrone Reed Sr., seems so overwhelming that I need to scream. But, my mere mortal screams aren't strong enough to release everything that's inside.

It's hard to believe it's been 48 days since my dad shed his mortal coil for a perfect, healthy, peak-conditioned, everlasting, heavenly body.

Some days, it feels like he passed long ago. Other days, it feels like I'm just learning he has passed.

Memories I thought that were long forgotten have recently surfaced and makes the longing for my father even stronger.

One of my fondest memories is the memory of watching reruns of "The Incredible Hulk", starring Lou Ferrigno as "The Hulk" , Bill Bixby as "Dr. David Bruce Banner" and Jack Colvin as reporter "Jack McGee".

Out of all the Hulks there have been, Lou was my dad's favorite and he loved seeing Bixby portray David.

Whenever someone would hurt David, I can recall my dad saying, "Uh-oh!  They done messed up now!". Seconds later, the Hulk would emerge and beat up the bad guys.

A few weeks ago, while at my parents' house in Memphis, Esquire Channel had a marathon of "The Incredible Hulk." It was hard to watch episodes I had watched with dad and at the same time, it warmed my heart that I had memories of watching that show with him.

The hardest part of watching the episodes was seeing David wave goodbye to the people he had saved and whose lives he had changed and begin walking down the road to his next journey.

When "The Lonely Man" began playing (you can hear it by clicking the clip below), I nearly broke down into tears. 

The photo below of my father, taken while he was eating at Lambert's Cafe ("Home of the Throwed Rolls") in Sikeston, Missouri,  with my mom and two of my sisters, following the funeral of his adoptive mother:

...it reminds me of David leaving and that haunting theme playing in the background.  It feels like my dad is saying goodbye and that he will see me later. He's reminding me to be good, do what's right and keep moving forward as the theme plays in my mind.

See, I know my life has changed. It will never be the same because my father is no longer physically present on this earth. But, he is always in my heart.

I miss my dad more than words can express and even now I'm on the verge of breaking down into tears. 

But, I know my dad is safe in God's arms and when the day comes for me to begin my next "journey", as I make my way to my heavenly home, I'll be running, joyously to see both my heavenly father and my earthly father.

29 Days Later: The Quest for Peace

I can't believe it's been a month since my father passed and two months since my father-in-law passed.

It still feels unbelievable that either events happened, but, unfortunately,  they did.

I still have to remind myself at least once a day that I can't call or go see my dad. It's during those times that the sadness I feel is the strongest.

It is also during those times that my faith has been tested. I don't know why, but it has.

It feels like I was stronger the week of my father's home-going service than the weeks following.

I've wondered if I didn't have enough faith, if that was why my dad didn't make it. He had come through so many times before from different ailments and situations that I believed,  even though it looked bad, that God would heal my dad and he would make it through.

Then I wondered that if my dad had made it through, how long would it be before something else happened? What if the next thing had left him paralyzed or with memory loss or brain dead? My dad would not have wanted to live like that.

Even though I know he's in a better place, I still miss him.

As I said before, I feel I was so much stronger after he passed than I am now. My faith has been shaken and I don't know what I should do next.

I've had a hard time getting back to my career in creative writing. It's so hard to concentrate some times,  my mind constantly flooded with either memories of my dad, sadness or both.

I know he would want me to keep writing, especially since he always asked me how my second book was coming.

So, I've been praying for peace, understanding and that God will remove any doubt that I currently have.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and I can remember how my dad once saw a photo ok Dr. King and told me we looked like him. I smile at the thought of that memory even as my heart continues to grieve.

Like Dr. King said, I have to keep moving forward.  It's what my dad would tell me to do and it's what I know I have to do.

Please continue to pray for me and my family and thanks for reading.