29 Days Later: The Quest for Peace

I can't believe it's been a month since my father passed and two months since my father-in-law passed.

It still feels unbelievable that either events happened, but, unfortunately,  they did.

I still have to remind myself at least once a day that I can't call or go see my dad. It's during those times that the sadness I feel is the strongest.

It is also during those times that my faith has been tested. I don't know why, but it has.

It feels like I was stronger the week of my father's home-going service than the weeks following.

I've wondered if I didn't have enough faith, if that was why my dad didn't make it. He had come through so many times before from different ailments and situations that I believed,  even though it looked bad, that God would heal my dad and he would make it through.

Then I wondered that if my dad had made it through, how long would it be before something else happened? What if the next thing had left him paralyzed or with memory loss or brain dead? My dad would not have wanted to live like that.

Even though I know he's in a better place, I still miss him.

As I said before, I feel I was so much stronger after he passed than I am now. My faith has been shaken and I don't know what I should do next.

I've had a hard time getting back to my career in creative writing. It's so hard to concentrate some times,  my mind constantly flooded with either memories of my dad, sadness or both.

I know he would want me to keep writing, especially since he always asked me how my second book was coming.

So, I've been praying for peace, understanding and that God will remove any doubt that I currently have.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and I can remember how my dad once saw a photo ok Dr. King and told me we looked like him. I smile at the thought of that memory even as my heart continues to grieve.

Like Dr. King said, I have to keep moving forward.  It's what my dad would tell me to do and it's what I know I have to do.

Please continue to pray for me and my family and thanks for reading.

Three Weeks Later: Holding on to Hope After Dad's Passing

I always feared the death of loved ones when I was growing up. That fear came from nightmares that I would have, that seemed so real that they would torment me.

It wasn't until 1994 that I experienced the first death of a loved one that hurt and upset me and that was the death of my Uncle Jerry. Then my paternal grandparents died in 1999, within months of each other, followed by my maternal grandmother in 2000 (during my senior year in high school), my dad's adoptive mother (also my grandmother who lived next door) in 2001 (during my sophomore year in college) and my maternal grandfather in 2003 (during my junior year in college). 

Those were very hard years, especially since I wanted my grandparents to be around to see my children (which have not been born yet), their great-grandchildren, and for my children to get to know them. 

People always expect older people to go first and while you don't want it to happen, you know that one day, we all have to pass from this life to get to our eternal life.

But, that's something I didn't want to face and I became convinced that my loved ones would live to be older people well into their 80s or higher.

Then four of my uncles passed between 2005-2011. 

Three years later, my wife's father passed on Sunday, November 2, 2014. It was hard to believe he had passed and it was even harder to see my wife in pain and anguish and know that there was nothing I could do but pray and be there for her.

And while I wasn't prepared for any of those deaths (who is ever truly prepared), the news I got on Sunday, December 21, 2014, that my dad, Tyrone Reed Sr., had passed away, exactly seven weeks after my wife's dad had passed, devastated me, crushed me inside and threatened to eat away my hopes and dreams.

It broke my heart and even as I type this, I can feel the pain all over again as if I was hearing the news anew once again. It's still hard to accept that he is no longer here and that I can't pick up the phone to hear him say, "Hey, son!"

While I know my dad is no longer in pain, that he gave his life to Christ and that I'll see him again in Heaven one day, I still long for my dad. I still wish I could see him and sit with him. I wish I could hear him laugh and sit up and talk about the news with him. I wish I could hug him and tell him I love him one more time.

But, the things that really broke my heart, were the "what could have beens". I dreamed of my dad seeing me become a successful author, actor, screenwriter, philanthropist and businessman. I dreamed of him and my father-in-law sitting on the couch together watching westerns, while I cooked dinner inside a very nice home that I was able to purchase. I dreamed of them playing with their grandchildren and becoming old men.

But, sadly, that didn't happen and I began to get lost in the "what could have beens", to the point that I questioned how I was going to live the rest of my life.

It was rough for  a while, with me having some very low days, but through God, prayer, my wife, my mom and my sister and many others giving me encouraging words, I'm fighting to live and press on. 

I know my dad would want me to go on and continue making him proud. I believe God has shown him the man I will be and the things I will accomplish and I can't let either of them down. 

I know my dad was tired, having been in and out of the hospital for some time and having gone through a lot. I prayed for God to heal him and God did just that, better than I could ever imagine. Dad is free and healed, healthy and at peace. Even though he is no longer in this earthly realm, he will forever be in my heart, thoughts and memory.

He was and is the Jonathan Kent to my Clark Kent and I know that he is still rooting for me.

This blog is my first step to continuing my destiny of being a successful writer and also helping others. 

I will be periodically sharing memories of my dad and lessons he taught and how he helped me and still helps me to be a good man.

So, please feel free to subscribe to this blog below and share it with others. Also, feel free to share your stories in the comments below. You never know who you might encourage,

This posts isn't about sadness, but about hope, peace, joy, inspiration, the courage to keep moving forward and honor those we love.

As my dad always said, "If you do right, right will follow you."